So, I guess we have all been there. The thrill of a new partner, the wild sex, the chemicals pumping through the body at a million miles an hour. “Oh my God!” you say to your self “This is the One for me! This is what I have been waiting for! At last - someone with whom I truly connect!”
In those first heady weeks you may find yourself planning all sorts of nonsense: you imagine being branded and collared in front of a group of your deeply admiring and slightly jealous friends. You will become a slave, move in with your new love to serve them 24/7. People throughout the kink world will speak in hushed tones of your union, holding it up as the one true example of how a D/s relationship should be. For surely, never in the history of kink, nay, the history of love itself, has there ever been two souls quite so perfectly matched.
But wait. Hang on a minute.
If you can step down for just one moment from your cloud of unrelenting bullshit, you might notice that there is something wrong. Maybe it is the way that you always seem to initiate the text messages; messages that, if responded to at all, are met with short, terse replies, indicating that the object of your affections is busy tonight. Actually they are busy for the rest of the week, though they might be able to slip in a session with you for an hour and a half next Sunday, maybe, they’ll get back to you on that.
"That’s OK" you say to yourself "They have a life outside of kink". So you wait. And you wait. And you start to fret. And when you do eventually pluck up the courage to call them, they seem perplexed by the hyperventilating mess you have become.
Because you were just a fuck.
That once-in-a-life-time-soul-defining scene that you shared with them: just a fuck. The way they looked into your eyes, their fist coiled into the roots of your hair as they growled the words you longed to hear: just a fuck. And as they held your spent and shaking body in the glorious endorphin soaked aftermath - they were probably planning what to buy at the supermarket.
The realization hits hard and fast. You fall. You feel confused, hurt, betrayed, angry……. above all you feel a bit of a twat.
But it is at this point, my overzealous and romantically inclined friend, that you have a choice. Up until now you have been living in a bubble, cushioned against reality by the soft soaped froth of your sex addled brain. But now, as your dreams lay shattered among the twisted wreckage of your heart, you have the power to take control.
Of course the easiest thing to do is to blame the one for whom you fell. After all, they were leading you on right? I mean, the way they held you, kissed you, rammed that dildo so far up your ass that your eyes almost popped out -that was them telling you that they loved you right? Wrong. Detach the fluff from the retina of your memory and you will see: there were no protestations of love, no cosy conversations about your future. Nothing, in fact, other than those vague discussions about the next scene, birth control and btw, when was the last time you went for a check up at the VD clinic?
No, you gave your heart unwanted and unbidden; non consensually if you will. You are the one who is hurting so it seems natural to paint yourself as the “victim”, but it was not your lover who created this fantasy, this fairy tale castle built upon the precipice of your unfulfilled needs and desires -nope, that was you. It was you who misread the signs and wove them into a web of fiction, you who needed to much and saw too little. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF and that is why you are hurting now.
So before you rush off to write a bold expose on how bad a Dom such-and-such is, or how so-and-so is a heartless bitch, think on. What did they want from the relationship? How have you fulfilled their needs and desires? How have your unrealistic expectations affected them?
And practice a little grace.
If you really care for this person then you will detach your toxic self from their presence immediately. Maybe, with a little distance, you will be able to see them for who they are, not as the bodily manifestation of all your romantic needs and desires.
Accept responsibility: Take a look inside and try to discover the key to yourself. Find ways to love yourself, care for yourself and to fill the yawning chasm within. You can grow from this, really you can, it just takes a bit of time.
Laugh: we all do some damn fool things from time to time and this is one of them.
Talk to your friends: I bet most of them have experienced similar situations.
Above all be happy: Be happy that you are a fully realized human being, with the potential to express love. Because believe me, it is better to love too hard and too deep than to never love at all. And one day, who knows, maybe you will meet someone who is as bigger fool as you are x